I've come to realise that I have suppressed every betrayal and now the Crazy Lady is there and just won't go away. She is hurt from years of bad treatment and she is needing to be heard and she is saying "NO MORE". This last episode feels like it has catapulted years of dirty laundry over the freeway. I don't know why I have that visualisation... but I do. Prolly coz I was just crying from the depths of my soul as I was driving along the freeway... it's like all years of deceit, lies and betrayal just vomitted out of me. I think I need to learn how to take back my sense of self and not let abusive behaviour take me right down. Tomorrow I will suppress it again. Three days of crazy lady having her way is enough... she needs to be heard but she gets a bit tedious. I need to disconnect my sense of self from poor treatment. I need to look for more reliable people in my life. I need to be more self reliant. I am a nutter, so I do need to reach out in the way of therapy and meds thou. I'll try and put it into creativity some way.

I feel totally crazy from the pain atm. I got out of bed at 3.30pm and had a spa - bad idea - it sent me over the edge. I'm in crazy lady mode, something that I don't feel too often. Geeze, I wish some pain would heal... I just seem to harbour open infections.

Hopefully the tears will come soon and that will wind me down... I'll have my meds in another hour... that will help me being deceived and rejected. Why does that type of pain hurt as bad as it does?

I want the truth so bad. I want to know what I was dealing with and what I am grieving. I just feel totally torn up inside and like my entire body is on fire. I feel like I've been possessed by a crazy woman. I'm safe and other people are safe, but the experience sucks dog's balls.

After a week and a half of normal mood, I was on the brink of my sense of self changing... but the reliable old depression is back, reinforcing my identity as a head case Gee that was a close call! lol

I think I am fighting the flu on top of my body still trying to catch up from the haemorrhaging. Apart from that I'm highly overdue to get depressed again! 9 days of normal mood was soooooooooo amazing!!!

Yesterday was a big day with medical tests and school enrollment interviews with the boy. I was exhausted by 3pm and had a 2hr sleep!

I'm finding lots of little things to put in the new depression bubble I'm in... it's like collecting shells from the beach. I see one and think "yeah, I'll hold onto this bad idea and really run with it in my head for a while, until I have crazy urges and realise what I am doing and then start the process of putting the 'shell back on the sand'".

It's hard to keep busy when so sick from physical and mental ilnesses atm, but busyness is what will help me "walk along the beach, without picking up the 'shells of bad thoughts'".

Distraction, distraction, distraction for this little black duck today

Just to confuse things... mr sleazy one actually came back on the scene..."really sorry I fell out of circulation for two days without contacting you jade, i had the man flu AND had to work through it and just didn't manage to keep all balls in the air. i am so sorry. How can I make it up to you??" I told him, it was cool, "just give me time to adjust to the fact that you are actually back on the scene and mightn't even actually left. I'm not a mind reader so I had to make up my own explanation to make sense of it". I went to coffee with him the following evening. He invited me on a photo shoot with him the next day. I said no initially but in the morning I figured it was one way to get to know this guy and how he ticked. I got to meet his friends that he had since childhood. I got to meet 60% of his colleagues. I got to meet his daughter and I got to see how he operated under stress. Not bad. Talking that evening I had to tell him we had different interests and his wasn't a lifestyle I wan't to buy into. I went to bed early and cried. This guy who I thought was a sleaze had opened his life wide open for me with such sincerity and I had to say 'no, sorry, not for me". It tore me apart. I find it easier to hurt myself than to hurt someone who has treated me respect and laid themselves bare. We still went for a bushwalk the next day as mates and he was really appreciative of my honesty. Nice afternoon. In the evening I went to another friend's place; joining their family dinner. It was lovely as it always is. I came home and started getting pain as bad as labour. I was screaming from the pain. I rang the health line and they were more worried about the haemorrhaging than the pain and wanted to put me straight in an ambulance. I assured them I would go to hospital with a friend instead. I rang my friend who I had had dinner with because she was a nurse. She agreed I needed to get to get to hospital immediately. Hmmm, so the only friends I have were all on the turps at the dinner party.... what to do. ... So yes, I rang my new friend and asked him whether he'd be okay to take me to the hospital. He was at my place in a flash and off we went. He was great company as we waited. I negotiated my way out of staying in hospital overnight, promising to go to a gp in the morning. My new friend dropped me home and we had a quick chat before we went to bed for the night. It was about 1am at that stage. He text this morning to see that I was okay and this evening.
Now I just need time to make sense of the past few days...
I certainly appreciated his help. he seems pretty genuine. he understands that we live in different worlds and it would be difficult to find enough common ground.
so, he's just passing through... but it turns out I could have been a little bit wrong about him. I'm sure I'm not totally wrong about everything and he would be putting his best foot forward, but I don't think he is as shallow as I first thought. Interesting experience

Wow, today turned out better than I expected. I was terrified and one of my exercise friend ended up being in the depression group with me . We often go to coffee after exercise but have never discussed depression lol. I really enjoyed the activities of the course - it was physical rather than cognitive. It took me out of my head and it was like a lovely holiday. My friend being in the group made me feel so much more secure. I'm such a big baby lol. Mr Computer Man came and put my sound back on my computer... he spent 3 hours trying to fix the wireless problem that I couldn't fix and we ended up just agreeing that I would have to just bear with it unfortunately . But I have Adele and that is all that matters I have my priorities SOOO straight! Mr Computer Man asked why I don't work and I said "Oh because I have bipolar" and he said "Wow, my wife has something similar, do you mind if she emails you?". It turns out that our son's suffer from similar conditions too. I found out something else today - that pathology don't do blood tests without a pathology request form - DOH! .
I couldn't believe it that I forgot the form. I was soooooooooo exact with my lithium last night and I set my alarm for my dose as well as the test this morning to have it exact... I just forgot the most crucial part of the process sh1t! I'll apply the same precision to tonights dose and do the same thing tomorrow but this time with the request form... I think I might just be assured of a better outcome that way.
For some reason I am feeling lonely... Mr Sleazy One seemingly has lost interest in me. He wasn't a good option but being chased still took up some time and gave me some attention. Me a duffer So what have I done? I created a profile on a dating site "CrazyPeopleNeedLuv2" hahaha... I'm really interested to see whether it draws other nutters relieved to not be discriminated against or whether I'll just become a social leper on the site haha